Forgetting is harder than living through it.

You don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night tasting your own tears and knowing you couldn't forget them if you tried. 

 Sometimes knowing is worse than what I could have imagined. Our bodies never seem to want to run from the man with the gun. When the lights go out I can hear the breathing of monsters in my head. I want to kiss you deep but I can't escape your teeth. Feel the Bear, tear the flesh from bone. Breathing last breaths I'll say your name. 

Forrests have heard the screams of my soul and let me go. release to heaven of stars I got a plan for my future but I just have rip out the sutures. Bleeding out let the free winds play with my lungs I can finally breathe. Screaming my truths as I know them into a cold universe. No one will answer me this one question, will I be fine? 

Howl with me at the moon seems like the only thing I can do now and then I take a step forward with the past pulling me three steps back. I gotta get out of the hurricane someone, can you hear me? 

I told you I was close to the edge, teeter on the brink you held out your hand, I reached, and you pushed. I can't be held responsible for my thoughts about the death I plan for you but my heart will burn in hell with you so I guess it evens out. 

  

This is 4am.

This is why I even got a cat. Other than for the lifetime lasting friendship that I culivate with my feline friend. He prowls the kitchen and grabs a snack of kibble before crouching low at the living room entrance. He stalks his mouse that's a few feet away in my fingertips, I wiggle the toy taunting him. He wiggles his rear in return and his young muscles tense up getting ready for the kill. I wait, it's a game of patience with him and the mouse. He makes the first move and starts to run toward the toy which I, at the last minute fling skyward as he springs up to snag the mouse, put it in his mouth for the kill and land softly with four feet on the ground. Truly acrobatic. As well as entertaining. Which is partly why I adopted him in the first place.

The other reasons are many, I don's plan to have any kids in the near, distant or any future, but I do always plan to have furry, four legged children. They don't require any more emotions other than happy. Which they often times provide in the first place. Take my cat for instance. I wake up at 4am and, of course can't go back to sleep until after I've laid awake for two hours tossing and turning trying to appease my ever complaining back. All the while my brain and over active imagination turn every simple encounter of the day into hellish future pain. They bring to life every awful circumstance going as bad as each one could from my soul mate and I brutally breaking up to one of us dying. Usually it's him since I'm scared to death to live this life without him. He's my reason for being on this earth. Him and my cat. Which brings me to my point. My cat keeps all that brain noise at bay. I still have to get up to help my back stretch out and ease up but at least my kitty wakes up with me and even though I started out my unwanted morning ritual with dark thoughts, he brings me his bright yellow, toy mouse so that he can play. Ultimately he's asking me, his mommy cat substitute, to help him burn off excess energy which we both seem to have but his is burnt off by jumping at the toy. Mine is burnt off tossing the toy for him and getting up to grab it when he losses it. In the end we're both happy. After about an hour we're both tired again but I'm not full of self loathing that my darling boyfriend helps me undo every time. I'm peaceful and content that I helped my kitty have an excellent exercise session and I got to have fun. I'm happy because my cat made me happy. 

It's never smooth sailing in my oceans.

It's never smooth sailing in my oceans.


There are events that have scarred me to the deepest part of my heart and soul. Then they were opened with gaping vulnerability and scarred again. No one can understand, or relate unless you've lived through the same things that I have. I hope no one has. Every time I think the tissue has been sealed up and I can let it go for the last time, something new bring up the past like a recurring night mare that can indeed hurt me. Maybe not physically, maybe not in the same ways as before, but the pain is always acute and piercing straight to my core. There it resides, like the Kraken waiting for it's next ship to stray into its path. Patient and calculating, then attacking when the sailors least expect it. No matter what they do to stab, shoot, harpoon, even just to injure the monster enough to escape it's to no avail. The scarring opens, the pain refreshes and I go under. Sinking like the wayward ship, lost in the clutches of my own Kraken. It shows no mercy. Makes no apology. Somehow I manage to survive the attacks over and over again but it's more like a cruel game the beast plays. Darkness creeping in, suffocating me till I think "this is it. This is the savage that will drown me. I've met my match" then just as suddenly a light seeps in just enough for me to see it. I hold on to that shallow brightness like an anchor. Not pulling me down but holding my course. Staying still until the shadowy Kraken releases it's death grip enough so I can take one gasping breath after another. But it never disappears, it just retreats down, down past my soul into a murky crevice of doubt and waits. Looming ever present but in the gloomiest background so I'm not aware of it's entity. Until that behemoth strikes out once more with it's scaly tentacles armed with suction cups of discouragement and sorrow. The game continues, the war rages on me against the demon Kraken in my head. That bastard of misery and torment creating an agony in which i'm burning alive and drowning to death all at the same time.
No one that isn't me could understand the unique anguish I live through when my Kraken decides to surface. It's my own affliction to bear in this life. The scars close and the pain recedes to a dull throb. Keeping time to a heart beat that's not my own but the fiendish Kraken's. My ever present reminder that I have a dark passenger. He waits in the gloom of my deepest doubts. Waiting.

Smoke and Ash

She liked to smoke.

She liked to breathe it in, let it settle in her lungs then expel it out her nose to feel her nostrils tingle with the exhaled nicotine. 

She liked the way bringing a cigarette to her mouth inhaling the chemicals then emitting a thick veil of smoke gave her time to think before answering a question. 

She liked to drive.

She felt alive when she was behind the wheel of an automobile. Liked the way she felt in control of something powerful. One move and she could end lives. She could create fear in the hearts of others. 

Not that she did so. Just liked that she could.

  She lived far away from her family and found that she loved them more when they couldn't see her. They didn't know she smoked. No one did. Except for strangers. She felt that maybe strangers knew her more intimately then her actual family. But that must have only been in her head. 

 She was a good liar but hated to lie. She sailed through school, then through college but still worked her old high school job as a small magazine editor. She despised the models, hated the articles whith their nonsense tips and tricks to look younger. She never actually digested the words just let them flow, let the pictures become nothing but puzzle pieces to be put together. She was good at her job so she kept it; much to many peoples dismay.

At age 15 she was thinking thoughts a 24 year old would think. So when she actually was 25 she didn't know how to think anymore. She had grown up in a flash but then just stopped. It was detrimental to her relationships. She'd always thought things through from end to beginning, since she never knew how things were going to start but always how they ended. And they always ended. Like her cigarettes. 

  She met him at a dance. A party that she didn't want to go to but felt obligated to attend. She saw him next to the speakers. Eyes closed, head slightly bobbing to the beat. She just stood. Observing. It was a hobby of hers to observe others, watch them when they thought no one was watching. Just to see if they surprised her with actions she thought were impossible of them. She had rarely been surprised. So she contemplated him, taking in his movements, his hair color, the clothes, the shoes, the cup he held loosely. He was enjoying himself, she mused, he must like music since his eyes were still closed, head still keeping time to the heavy bass, hips ever so slightly swaying along with feet shuffling unobtrusively. 

 After a few minutes she left her vigil to refill her red cup. On her way to the table that acted as a makeshift bar, the hostess, a woman of a chatty nature but never really said  anything, grabbed her arm pulling her close yelling too loud. "I'm so glad you came, I was just telling everyone how wonderful you look tonight you know, just splendid. My hair could never be left to it's own devices like yours. But Sherry, now her hair is curly so..." and on and on the hostess droned. Hardly stopping to breathe, or take a sip of the contents in the red cup. Finally begging forgiveness, and by pointing out a new victim that was wearing shiny neon nail polish, she was able to extract her arm from the hostess. Continuing on her original course she put her phone down as she took up a bottle of something strong and began to apply the liquid to her ice. Taking heavy sips, since it was clear that the only way to make it through the evening without committing a felony was to not be able to remember it. With her new mission to get as drunk as she thought she could without passing out, she looked around her again. Seeking a new target. Scanning the walls she had a sudden awareness creep into the back of her mind. A knowing, that she was someone else's target for observation. She let them watch for a minute, two minutes, three. Until she felt like she could look for the observer without being too obvious. Turning ever so slightly, her eyes roamed the crowd, no one caught her attention. No one made eye contact. Until her head made it all the way to her left. There he was. Again. His head still slightly keeping time, but the rest of his body was still. He smiled at her. A nice smile, warm, genuine. She tipped her head marginally in acknowledgment. She returned her gaze to what was in front of her and downed the rest of her drink. She didn't like how he was looking at her. As if she was nothing like the other girls in the room. Like she was somehow granted attention from a man that did not grant his attention to many. Turning to flee, he was in front of her smiling and still keeping time with his head. "I feel like you're nothing like the rest of these people, am I right?" She lifted an eyebrow, slightly stunned that he was so frank. "No, I'm not. And that's why i'm leaving. Enjoy the rest of the party." She brushed past him trying hard to reach the door without being caught in another conversation trap by the hostess. Or anyone else. 

 Once safely outside, she took a deep breath. Then another. Walking towards her car on the street she could hear the door open behind her, the low hum of people talking and the sudden blast of music making her quicken her steps. She could hear the person behind her, the footsteps on the driveway and then a pause when they stepped off the curb only to hear the footsteps continue towards her. She reached her car, unlocked it, got in as quickly as she could manage and turned the key. Tap, tap, tap. "Miss, I'm sorry for following you out here like a goon but I wanted you to know that you left this." She hesitated only a moment, allowing herself that moment to gain her composure. 

 Glancing out the window, she saw he held her cell phone. He backed up a little when she reached for her door handle. She didn't know exactly why she was getting out of the car. For the second time during the night he had her slightly stunned. She never left her phone anywhere, she never expected people to be honest or helpful or even straight forward. "Thanks, I guess I didn't remember putting it down." She said this keeping her eyes down and her body slightly turned away towards the car. He reached out his hand holding the device, when she took the end of it he held on to it for just half a heart beat. Her eyes flew up to his, alarms going off in her mind about how she was alone out here and how no one could hear  her from inside the house. When she finally met his eyes he instantly let go but held her gaze. Slightly bending his knees to keep on the same eye level. "You usually don't drink this much do you?" he had a half smile like he found her slightly amusing. She hated being found only amusing. "Since i'm over the legal drinking age and I'm under the legal limit. My alcohol consumption on a regular basis isn't your business. Thanks for giving me my phone. and for the second time tonight, bye" She turned, got into her car and was about to slam the door. "I'm Noah. I realized I can't ask you out to an all night diner for coffee without giving you my name. So now would you like to get some coffee with me." She turned, about to rip into him for not leaving her the hell alone. Not taking hints and being a too persistent pain in her ass. But his smile, that infuriating half smile, was genuine. He put a hand on her open door, "i'm actually not going to stop being a pain in the ass till you agree to at least have coffee with me." He lowered himself to rest on his toes. "I think I should explain. I came to this party because I felt like I owed a friend a favor. He wants to get with the hostess and he needed a wing man. I don't know a soul in there. They're actually all pretty boring, they talk but don't say anything. At least that's what it seems like." He edged a little closer before continuing, she took out the pepper spray from her bag. He continued on "but I saw you and I felt like you were someone who I could talk to and have there be two sides to the conversation. As crazy as that sounds. Since you're actually not being very talkative and a little bit more than abrasive. But maybe you just wanted to get the hell out of there like me. But now I have no where to be and I don't want to go home just yet. So I'm going to ask you again. Would you, the beautiful girl that didn't fit in at the party, like to go with me, the guy that didn't fit in at the party, to get some piping hot joe?" 

 She glared at him while she considered her options. Digging out a cigarette from her bag she put the pepper spray back. The way she saw it she had a couple of options. She could go home, and fall into a drunken coma immediately, only to wake up the next morning with a headache and a loathing for that party she went to the night before. Or she could drive a couple miles, sit with this man who wasn't all together bad looking. In fact, as she continued to smoke she noticed that he was indeed quite appealing to her. She could drink coffee that would ultimately help her head in the morning and actually make some memories she wouldn't loath in the morning. 

 She put out the cigarette. "Are you married?" "No." "Are you seeing someone" "No, not for a month now" "Are you divorced" He hesitated. "Yes. It was over two years ago. She left me." 

"Ok. I'll follow you there. You can choose the diner as long as it's within five miles of here."

"Perfect, i'm glad you put the pepper spray away" he said.

She smiled at him, the first smile of her night. "My name is Harlan" she said. 

After the Party.

Sometimes there are moments in life. 

There are little flashes of truth that come over you in quiet moments. Like the ones I had today.

Ross is at work and we hosted a great party last night it was so loud and everyone was drinking/getting drunk. But it was so loud, so much going on. One couldn't get out a thought befoire it being drowned in the thoughts of others within seconds. Which can be nice, don't get me wrong I like to feel part of something too. I like not being alone I like being surrounded sometimes. An expeirience like that only serves to make the quiet moments more profound. Like this morning after Ross had kissed me goodbye and went off to make money. I was left in the after math of a roaring good time the night before. Empties everywhere, spills, ash froim the hookah dumped over the coffee table, which is fine, I expect that when I host a get together. As I was getting into the shower and thinking about what I had said the night before I realized that I have discovered a part of what Love is. I wrote a note right before going to bed telling Ross that I would clean up the mess before he got home from work the next day. When I got up to brew some coffee I saw he had written me a note back. It reads "Don't worry about it! You're the greatest woman to ever have walked the earth. Ross :) ;)" Yes it has the winkie faces. That;s just how we roll haha. But it made me think. I was thinking all about what it is to love someone. What lengths would I go to for him. What sacrafices good and bad would I endure just so that I would be near him. Would I die for someone I loved? Would I steal? Would I lie for them? Or would I accomplish a much more difficult task, would I put my desire or fears aside so that I could further his happiness. I just couldn't come with the answer No. I would do anything for him. And the main reason being that he would never ask me to. That's what people in love do. They forget themselves in the other person. If he losses all his money. Then I am homless with him, no questions asked. If he has to move for a job, I quit mine. You get the point. That's a part of love. Just one small aspect of an endless idea, feeling, and word. Love. You do things for one another. And it's funny but when I would do the same thing for someone else it would feel like such a hardship. But with Ross, with this unending burning that i've always had for him since the first time he held me. Since the very first time I caught him looking at me with his unimaginably green eyes, I was hooked. I knew I would do anything he asked as horrifically scary as that might be. I couldn't even fight it. Which is also why it took me years to finally officially date him. I was so scared of what I was capable of with him. When he is sick, all I want to do is help him get better, when he's mad I want to be his smile. That's what it's like when you love someone and you don't even realize it till you have those quiet moments after the party.

You still have all of my heart.

Since the first time I really looked in your eyes, those limitless green orbs holding so much pain, kindness and promise. I felt my heart transform from an unfeeling lump in my chest into a phoenix rising out of the ashes of apathy nothing but flames, burning your name in my soul like a brand never to be forgotten. Not even when rings of despair found us apart I never could forget your eyes looking into mine, the way your hands felt around mine, the touch of your lips on mine, the awakening of the fire no one else could start. Believe me or not I don't care. I know I'll never want anyone else but you. You who knows everything, sees the ashes of the once raging blaze and can uncover the phoenix every time, with those eyes of emerald green now looking only for me. I've released the phoenix inside she belongs to you my love. Only to you who can match the strength of that fire with your own. Let's burn this world up with our love. Let's set everything up in flames of passion and bring out the music of our life. Our life, one single life to live with two candles lighting the way. 

Secret little secrets

There's a lot I am not proud of. Recently I can think of nothing but the things that make me a fallible human, all the mistakes, all the little inconsequential fails in perfection. I usually do a pretty good job in taking it easy on myself and being reasonable. But not lately. I can't seem to get in a good word about myself.  I have decided that I need to take the advice I have been giving out for years.  I am going to talk to someone about the secrets I keep locked away in my head and heart. How can I prepare to share my life with someone when I can't even share my deepest thoughts with myself.

I have been telling my little inner voice, the one that always brings up past memories and feelings, to just shut up and don't ask questions. Feeling like it would be easier to deal with the horrors of my life with all due sensibility, telling that little voice "what's done is done. Just move on with life, if you don't speak up then it will all stay down in the depths of the mind and heart not bothering anyone" It definitely stays in the mind and heart. But it also starts creeping into my soul creating little pools of blackness and starts sliding over to my actions making it hard, bordering on impossible to trust even the closest of friends when they say or act a certain way that triggers memories I haven't and wont deal with. I have thought about it, had long talks with the one person that isn't afraid to fight for me, even when I wont fight for myself. I keep coming back to the thought that I cannot be a whole person if I don't start to stitch up the tears and batter out the dents. It started out being a desire to be whole for HIM (and I'm not referring to god haha) thinking that if I was going to love him completely he needed to tell me things that may not be easy to say, which he has. I in turn have to do the same, I have to and I want to give every part of myself to him but I don't want to give him something that's broken. Not when it could be fixed. So after a lot of anguish, tears, heart wrenching bluntness and a scary brush with insanity. I have admitted to myself that ugly bits of my life have happened, not on purpose for my part, but they happened. It all happened. Now let's get on with the real healing.