Secret little secrets

There's a lot I am not proud of. Recently I can think of nothing but the things that make me a fallible human, all the mistakes, all the little inconsequential fails in perfection. I usually do a pretty good job in taking it easy on myself and being reasonable. But not lately. I can't seem to get in a good word about myself.  I have decided that I need to take the advice I have been giving out for years.  I am going to talk to someone about the secrets I keep locked away in my head and heart. How can I prepare to share my life with someone when I can't even share my deepest thoughts with myself.

I have been telling my little inner voice, the one that always brings up past memories and feelings, to just shut up and don't ask questions. Feeling like it would be easier to deal with the horrors of my life with all due sensibility, telling that little voice "what's done is done. Just move on with life, if you don't speak up then it will all stay down in the depths of the mind and heart not bothering anyone" It definitely stays in the mind and heart. But it also starts creeping into my soul creating little pools of blackness and starts sliding over to my actions making it hard, bordering on impossible to trust even the closest of friends when they say or act a certain way that triggers memories I haven't and wont deal with. I have thought about it, had long talks with the one person that isn't afraid to fight for me, even when I wont fight for myself. I keep coming back to the thought that I cannot be a whole person if I don't start to stitch up the tears and batter out the dents. It started out being a desire to be whole for HIM (and I'm not referring to god haha) thinking that if I was going to love him completely he needed to tell me things that may not be easy to say, which he has. I in turn have to do the same, I have to and I want to give every part of myself to him but I don't want to give him something that's broken. Not when it could be fixed. So after a lot of anguish, tears, heart wrenching bluntness and a scary brush with insanity. I have admitted to myself that ugly bits of my life have happened, not on purpose for my part, but they happened. It all happened. Now let's get on with the real healing.