You still have all of my heart.

Since the first time I really looked in your eyes, those limitless green orbs holding so much pain, kindness and promise. I felt my heart transform from an unfeeling lump in my chest into a phoenix rising out of the ashes of apathy nothing but flames, burning your name in my soul like a brand never to be forgotten. Not even when rings of despair found us apart I never could forget your eyes looking into mine, the way your hands felt around mine, the touch of your lips on mine, the awakening of the fire no one else could start. Believe me or not I don't care. I know I'll never want anyone else but you. You who knows everything, sees the ashes of the once raging blaze and can uncover the phoenix every time, with those eyes of emerald green now looking only for me. I've released the phoenix inside she belongs to you my love. Only to you who can match the strength of that fire with your own. Let's burn this world up with our love. Let's set everything up in flames of passion and bring out the music of our life. Our life, one single life to live with two candles lighting the way. 

Secret little secrets

There's a lot I am not proud of. Recently I can think of nothing but the things that make me a fallible human, all the mistakes, all the little inconsequential fails in perfection. I usually do a pretty good job in taking it easy on myself and being reasonable. But not lately. I can't seem to get in a good word about myself.  I have decided that I need to take the advice I have been giving out for years.  I am going to talk to someone about the secrets I keep locked away in my head and heart. How can I prepare to share my life with someone when I can't even share my deepest thoughts with myself.

I have been telling my little inner voice, the one that always brings up past memories and feelings, to just shut up and don't ask questions. Feeling like it would be easier to deal with the horrors of my life with all due sensibility, telling that little voice "what's done is done. Just move on with life, if you don't speak up then it will all stay down in the depths of the mind and heart not bothering anyone" It definitely stays in the mind and heart. But it also starts creeping into my soul creating little pools of blackness and starts sliding over to my actions making it hard, bordering on impossible to trust even the closest of friends when they say or act a certain way that triggers memories I haven't and wont deal with. I have thought about it, had long talks with the one person that isn't afraid to fight for me, even when I wont fight for myself. I keep coming back to the thought that I cannot be a whole person if I don't start to stitch up the tears and batter out the dents. It started out being a desire to be whole for HIM (and I'm not referring to god haha) thinking that if I was going to love him completely he needed to tell me things that may not be easy to say, which he has. I in turn have to do the same, I have to and I want to give every part of myself to him but I don't want to give him something that's broken. Not when it could be fixed. So after a lot of anguish, tears, heart wrenching bluntness and a scary brush with insanity. I have admitted to myself that ugly bits of my life have happened, not on purpose for my part, but they happened. It all happened. Now let's get on with the real healing. 

In between the few quiet moments when Boy is sick and asleep...

Went dress shopping today. Not wedding or prom dress shopping, just a dress to make me feel like I can take on a man in a suit. You know, a dress that fits like a dream and makes you feel like one to. One of those dresses. I tried on a good number of dresses and each one making me  feel tubbier and chubbier by the stitch. I'm not a fat kid, I have a good figure. I have curves though, and sometimes those curves make life hard by having odd curves within the curve. Take my hips for example, they are rather ample and compliment a great butt. However my hips have an odd inward curve before hitting my thighs. It's a curve interrupting a curve, and it's not attractive. I might add that I don't work out anymore and that may or may not be a root cause of recent low self esteem concerning my figure. Pressing on though; my Mom, Dad and Boyfriend went with me to the stores, even though I told said Boyfriend he didn't have to come inside just to sit around waiting for one dress to be tried on after another. He looked down at me, gives me a wink along with a smirk and says "I have excellent taste when it comes to women's dresses". Given that it takes him less time to get my clothes off without even wrinkling them than it takes me I suppose he does know his fair share. As I'm taking one dress off I notice that i'm not as slim as I thought I was, but I pay no mind to the momentary lapse of the usual vanity I shroud my doubts in. But as the dresses come on and off in their turn I start to obsess over the flaws I see. So much so that now i'm writing about them. My self image is usually pretty stable, I tell myself at least one compliment in the mirror a day, along with the compliments I get from others about my body I'd say I'm not one to have body image issues. Yet, there I was in front of the mirrors checking off one by one the tiniest imperfection I laid my eyes upon. To make matters worse I got home and whilst Boyfriend slept I looked up actresses and scoured their looks to try to see what made them different from me. I'm no expert but my best guess is they have the money to afford the expensive hair product, the time to (also money) have a professional carefully coif their tresses to perfection, and i'm not sure if i've mentioned it but they have the money to hire a personal trainer who will work with their schedule to keep them fit and trimmed. These actresses also tend to have better diets and substantially more self control when it comes to soda, sweets, and fatty meats. All in all... I like me, I like that i'm relaxed about my diet but I have GOT to start working out again cause hunnies this lil' chicky-poo wants her bod back in shape. 

I never knew I had it in me.

I'm discovering what it's like to truly care about someone. I'm what some might call anhedonia, or apathy. I call it a general mistrust in the sense of well being while in the company of others. Longer name, yes but a bit more specific. I've never been one to think of someone before myself. Survival is the name of the game after all. But recently things have changed in the way I look at people, all the sudden I'm actually caring about if they are warm enough or if they're hungry. Things like moving to an uncomfortable position just so that they can be more comfortable is actually starting to matter to me. Weird. I wasn't a cold hearted person before this switch. I just had no reason to really care. I liked those I was around well enough to tolerate their semi snotty and self righteous attitudes, but with them, around them, inside their circles, I thought of me first. But to actually worry about another human that isn't my immediate family, for me is just plain out of character. Watching over someone while they are sick or to drive them to the doctors and be planning on how to take care of their needs when we get home is a new feeling. I never knew I could be this kind of person. A care taker. I like it, I like caring about someone else using my energy to see to the welfare of someone other than myself is starting to grow on me.

Just listen and hear me out

I'm not asking you to allow me years to figure out where my heart truly wants to be. I'm aware that it's been  several years already and that I should KNOW who I want. Especially since I feel so connected with you,a bond I could never hope to duplicate or replace. But can you understand that I am two people people trying to occupy the same body and mind. I can't choose which one's dreams will outweigh the other. So I just keep slicing off pieces of each waiting for one to drown in the blood of the other, and the one that truly wants to be free will win. I can't silence the screams of either ghost inside me they both have a right to live. Just when I feel like the white ghost is winning the red one rears up refusing to be cut out and forgotten. So yes I love you. But I love him too. You are opposites and appeal to each of the lives inside. I've heard it tell that if you find yourself in love with two people you never truly loved the first person to begin with. But I don't know who came first, you or him? Which ghost lived inside me first?