Smoke and Ash

She liked to smoke.

She liked to breathe it in, let it settle in her lungs then expel it out her nose to feel her nostrils tingle with the exhaled nicotine. 

She liked the way bringing a cigarette to her mouth inhaling the chemicals then emitting a thick veil of smoke gave her time to think before answering a question. 

She liked to drive.

She felt alive when she was behind the wheel of an automobile. Liked the way she felt in control of something powerful. One move and she could end lives. She could create fear in the hearts of others. 

Not that she did so. Just liked that she could.

  She lived far away from her family and found that she loved them more when they couldn't see her. They didn't know she smoked. No one did. Except for strangers. She felt that maybe strangers knew her more intimately then her actual family. But that must have only been in her head. 

 She was a good liar but hated to lie. She sailed through school, then through college but still worked her old high school job as a small magazine editor. She despised the models, hated the articles whith their nonsense tips and tricks to look younger. She never actually digested the words just let them flow, let the pictures become nothing but puzzle pieces to be put together. She was good at her job so she kept it; much to many peoples dismay.

At age 15 she was thinking thoughts a 24 year old would think. So when she actually was 25 she didn't know how to think anymore. She had grown up in a flash but then just stopped. It was detrimental to her relationships. She'd always thought things through from end to beginning, since she never knew how things were going to start but always how they ended. And they always ended. Like her cigarettes. 

  She met him at a dance. A party that she didn't want to go to but felt obligated to attend. She saw him next to the speakers. Eyes closed, head slightly bobbing to the beat. She just stood. Observing. It was a hobby of hers to observe others, watch them when they thought no one was watching. Just to see if they surprised her with actions she thought were impossible of them. She had rarely been surprised. So she contemplated him, taking in his movements, his hair color, the clothes, the shoes, the cup he held loosely. He was enjoying himself, she mused, he must like music since his eyes were still closed, head still keeping time to the heavy bass, hips ever so slightly swaying along with feet shuffling unobtrusively. 

 After a few minutes she left her vigil to refill her red cup. On her way to the table that acted as a makeshift bar, the hostess, a woman of a chatty nature but never really said  anything, grabbed her arm pulling her close yelling too loud. "I'm so glad you came, I was just telling everyone how wonderful you look tonight you know, just splendid. My hair could never be left to it's own devices like yours. But Sherry, now her hair is curly so..." and on and on the hostess droned. Hardly stopping to breathe, or take a sip of the contents in the red cup. Finally begging forgiveness, and by pointing out a new victim that was wearing shiny neon nail polish, she was able to extract her arm from the hostess. Continuing on her original course she put her phone down as she took up a bottle of something strong and began to apply the liquid to her ice. Taking heavy sips, since it was clear that the only way to make it through the evening without committing a felony was to not be able to remember it. With her new mission to get as drunk as she thought she could without passing out, she looked around her again. Seeking a new target. Scanning the walls she had a sudden awareness creep into the back of her mind. A knowing, that she was someone else's target for observation. She let them watch for a minute, two minutes, three. Until she felt like she could look for the observer without being too obvious. Turning ever so slightly, her eyes roamed the crowd, no one caught her attention. No one made eye contact. Until her head made it all the way to her left. There he was. Again. His head still slightly keeping time, but the rest of his body was still. He smiled at her. A nice smile, warm, genuine. She tipped her head marginally in acknowledgment. She returned her gaze to what was in front of her and downed the rest of her drink. She didn't like how he was looking at her. As if she was nothing like the other girls in the room. Like she was somehow granted attention from a man that did not grant his attention to many. Turning to flee, he was in front of her smiling and still keeping time with his head. "I feel like you're nothing like the rest of these people, am I right?" She lifted an eyebrow, slightly stunned that he was so frank. "No, I'm not. And that's why i'm leaving. Enjoy the rest of the party." She brushed past him trying hard to reach the door without being caught in another conversation trap by the hostess. Or anyone else. 

 Once safely outside, she took a deep breath. Then another. Walking towards her car on the street she could hear the door open behind her, the low hum of people talking and the sudden blast of music making her quicken her steps. She could hear the person behind her, the footsteps on the driveway and then a pause when they stepped off the curb only to hear the footsteps continue towards her. She reached her car, unlocked it, got in as quickly as she could manage and turned the key. Tap, tap, tap. "Miss, I'm sorry for following you out here like a goon but I wanted you to know that you left this." She hesitated only a moment, allowing herself that moment to gain her composure. 

 Glancing out the window, she saw he held her cell phone. He backed up a little when she reached for her door handle. She didn't know exactly why she was getting out of the car. For the second time during the night he had her slightly stunned. She never left her phone anywhere, she never expected people to be honest or helpful or even straight forward. "Thanks, I guess I didn't remember putting it down." She said this keeping her eyes down and her body slightly turned away towards the car. He reached out his hand holding the device, when she took the end of it he held on to it for just half a heart beat. Her eyes flew up to his, alarms going off in her mind about how she was alone out here and how no one could hear  her from inside the house. When she finally met his eyes he instantly let go but held her gaze. Slightly bending his knees to keep on the same eye level. "You usually don't drink this much do you?" he had a half smile like he found her slightly amusing. She hated being found only amusing. "Since i'm over the legal drinking age and I'm under the legal limit. My alcohol consumption on a regular basis isn't your business. Thanks for giving me my phone. and for the second time tonight, bye" She turned, got into her car and was about to slam the door. "I'm Noah. I realized I can't ask you out to an all night diner for coffee without giving you my name. So now would you like to get some coffee with me." She turned, about to rip into him for not leaving her the hell alone. Not taking hints and being a too persistent pain in her ass. But his smile, that infuriating half smile, was genuine. He put a hand on her open door, "i'm actually not going to stop being a pain in the ass till you agree to at least have coffee with me." He lowered himself to rest on his toes. "I think I should explain. I came to this party because I felt like I owed a friend a favor. He wants to get with the hostess and he needed a wing man. I don't know a soul in there. They're actually all pretty boring, they talk but don't say anything. At least that's what it seems like." He edged a little closer before continuing, she took out the pepper spray from her bag. He continued on "but I saw you and I felt like you were someone who I could talk to and have there be two sides to the conversation. As crazy as that sounds. Since you're actually not being very talkative and a little bit more than abrasive. But maybe you just wanted to get the hell out of there like me. But now I have no where to be and I don't want to go home just yet. So I'm going to ask you again. Would you, the beautiful girl that didn't fit in at the party, like to go with me, the guy that didn't fit in at the party, to get some piping hot joe?" 

 She glared at him while she considered her options. Digging out a cigarette from her bag she put the pepper spray back. The way she saw it she had a couple of options. She could go home, and fall into a drunken coma immediately, only to wake up the next morning with a headache and a loathing for that party she went to the night before. Or she could drive a couple miles, sit with this man who wasn't all together bad looking. In fact, as she continued to smoke she noticed that he was indeed quite appealing to her. She could drink coffee that would ultimately help her head in the morning and actually make some memories she wouldn't loath in the morning. 

 She put out the cigarette. "Are you married?" "No." "Are you seeing someone" "No, not for a month now" "Are you divorced" He hesitated. "Yes. It was over two years ago. She left me." 

"Ok. I'll follow you there. You can choose the diner as long as it's within five miles of here."

"Perfect, i'm glad you put the pepper spray away" he said.

She smiled at him, the first smile of her night. "My name is Harlan" she said. 

After the Party.

Sometimes there are moments in life. 

There are little flashes of truth that come over you in quiet moments. Like the ones I had today.

Ross is at work and we hosted a great party last night it was so loud and everyone was drinking/getting drunk. But it was so loud, so much going on. One couldn't get out a thought befoire it being drowned in the thoughts of others within seconds. Which can be nice, don't get me wrong I like to feel part of something too. I like not being alone I like being surrounded sometimes. An expeirience like that only serves to make the quiet moments more profound. Like this morning after Ross had kissed me goodbye and went off to make money. I was left in the after math of a roaring good time the night before. Empties everywhere, spills, ash froim the hookah dumped over the coffee table, which is fine, I expect that when I host a get together. As I was getting into the shower and thinking about what I had said the night before I realized that I have discovered a part of what Love is. I wrote a note right before going to bed telling Ross that I would clean up the mess before he got home from work the next day. When I got up to brew some coffee I saw he had written me a note back. It reads "Don't worry about it! You're the greatest woman to ever have walked the earth. Ross :) ;)" Yes it has the winkie faces. That;s just how we roll haha. But it made me think. I was thinking all about what it is to love someone. What lengths would I go to for him. What sacrafices good and bad would I endure just so that I would be near him. Would I die for someone I loved? Would I steal? Would I lie for them? Or would I accomplish a much more difficult task, would I put my desire or fears aside so that I could further his happiness. I just couldn't come with the answer No. I would do anything for him. And the main reason being that he would never ask me to. That's what people in love do. They forget themselves in the other person. If he losses all his money. Then I am homless with him, no questions asked. If he has to move for a job, I quit mine. You get the point. That's a part of love. Just one small aspect of an endless idea, feeling, and word. Love. You do things for one another. And it's funny but when I would do the same thing for someone else it would feel like such a hardship. But with Ross, with this unending burning that i've always had for him since the first time he held me. Since the very first time I caught him looking at me with his unimaginably green eyes, I was hooked. I knew I would do anything he asked as horrifically scary as that might be. I couldn't even fight it. Which is also why it took me years to finally officially date him. I was so scared of what I was capable of with him. When he is sick, all I want to do is help him get better, when he's mad I want to be his smile. That's what it's like when you love someone and you don't even realize it till you have those quiet moments after the party.